


I'm Strong and It's Fine

by nicolai



Category: Dangan Ronpa - All Media Types, Dangan Ronpa: Trigger Happy Havoc
Genre: Dissociation, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, POV First Person, Panic, Spoilers, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-17
Updated: 2018-09-17
Packaged: 2019-07-13 12:37:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,454
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16018070
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nicolai/pseuds/nicolai
Summary: 2nd motives have been delivered and Mondo isn't coping well





	I'm Strong and It's Fine

“Daiya, what do I do?” I’m asking my fucking reflection, like I’ll be able to answer me, but I can’t ask him, and if I could I wouldn’t need to. He always had the best advice, but it seems like forever since I’ve been able to ask. 

I need to get the fuck out of here. I’ve needed to get the fuck out of here this entire goddamn time, but I really fucking need to get out of here now. If I don’t do something, everybody’s gonna know what I did. And nobody can know. That’ll ruin everything. I can’t let anyone know. The gang would fall the fuck apart. I’d have to fucking talk about it. 

I’m back in the bedroom part of my room now, who the fuck knows how. I collapse on the bed. 

“Daiya, man, I’m fucking losing it,” I hate how my voice shakes. I hate how my face is getting wet, I’m fucking crying again I guess. I’m not sure how I got back to my room either, now that I think about it. 

I just want to run away. I want to get on my bike and drive to a place nobody knows me. But I can’t get out of this fucking school. I guess, if I could, I wouldn’t be having this problem. Wishing anything is a fucking joke because if literally any single thing that could help the goddamn situation was true, then I wouldn’t need the fucking help. 

Daiya could be alive, so nobody would have to know anything that fucking mattered. It’d just be something stupid or some shit. I could not be here, so nobody who knows anything- how the fuck does that bear know anyway????- could tell anybody. I could be a fucking man about it and not such a goddamn coward, so it wouldn’t matter in the first place if anybody knew because I could stand by what I’d done and accept whatever should happen to me because of it. But if I could do that, I’d be dead already, like I fucking deserve. And, I guess I wouldn’t have to worry about it at all. 

“Daiya, help me. That’s starting to look like a good option…” My thoughts are getting way too fast. I need to calm down. I need to calm down. I don’t want this. God, I don’t want this. I don’t want any of this. Would it be hard? What do I have? If they expect us to kill each other, they gotta make it easy… Tool kit, what could I use? Maybe I could just punch Monokuma. But, oh god, what if he doesn’t? What if he tells everyone first? I can’t face that. 

I’ve left my room, I guess? The doors are moving really fast beside my eyes. Where am I going? Why?

“Daiya, what do I do? What do I fucking do?” I know you can’t answer me. And it’s my fault you can’t answer me. My fault. My fault. My fault you’re not here. My fault I’m scared. It’s all my fault. But what do I do? How do I get out of here? How do I get out of this? I can’t hear them hear it. I can’t see them know. He can’t tell, Daiya. He can’t. I can’t let him. I can’t be here. Please. 

“Puhuhu, is it worth killing over?” I hear his voice behind me. I’m at the end of the hallway. I feel like I’ve been walking longer, but, I guess I didn’t go anywhere. Maybe I’m walking in circles? I can’t tell. That fucking bear is here now. 

“What?” I’m yelling. I don’t want him to see me crying. But he can see me everywhere. Oh god. Where can I go? Even if I run away, he can always be there. I need out. I need out. I need out. 

“Whoa, calm down,” he waves his arms, “I’m just trying to help! You look like you’re losing your mind! But there’s such a simple way to solve the problem!” 

I know what he’s going to say. I don’t want to hear this. I don’t want to think about that. I don’t think it’s better. I’m sure it’s not better. If I kill myself, I don’t have to be here for whatever comes. If I kill anybody else- well. Then I die too. Or so does everybody else. Can I kill that many people to keep a secret? No. No, I can’t kill anybody. Oh god, probably not even me. I’m so weak. 

“Murder! Remember? Just a well placed twist or punch and this problem goes away, if you do it right anyway! It should be easy for a tough guy like you, right?” 

I don’t know what to say. I can’t listen to this. I’ve gotta get out of here. 

“Hey! Don’t run away when I’m talking to you! It’s not like there’s anywhere you can go!” 

Back in my room. Shutting the door. Locking the door. I’ll just stay here. Maybe he’ll leave me alone. 

“That was very rude, you know!” Monokuma’s claws are out. Fuck. Well, if he kills me, I won’t have to deal with this. 

“I’m just trying to give you some advice. Think about it. You don’t want to lose your friends, do you? Think about what Ishimaru would say! He’s already stooping to be friends with a thug like you, do you think he could if he knew you were a murderer?” 

I’ve covered my ears, but I can still hear him. Murderer. He’s right. I am. I killed my own brother. Daiya, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry. Do I kill someone else to cover it up? Can I do that? Does it matter anyway? 

“Or sweet, little Chihiro,” his attempt at being cute makes me wanna puke, “Don’t wanna make Chihiro cry, do you?”

“Shut up!” I wish that sounded less fucking desperate, he doesn’t need to know he’s getting to me. I’m so weak. God, no, I don’t want to think about how they’d look at me. 

“Oh, besides, the first time is the hardest you know! So, you’re already a step ahead of the competition!” he’s laughing again, fucking hell, “Just think about it! It’s the only way out!” and he disappeared. 

“Daiya, what do I do? Please, god, why can’t I think of what you’d say?” At least I’m alone again. I can try to pull myself together. “Probably ‘cause we never thought anything would end up like this, huh? Would you even know what I should do?” Daiya had advice on bikes, cops, and women. He even knew what to do when I was scared shitless for no goddamn reason. But he couldn’t have imagined this. So there’s nothing to say. This just can’t be happening. 

I walk to the bathroom and wash my face. I try to take deep breaths, I can remember that advice, at least. I can’t be calm if this is happening, so I’ve just gotta pretend it ain’t happening. If it ain’t happening, I won’t have to worry about it. Yeah, when it does, I’ll probably just die on the spot or lose everything or something, but there’s nothing I can do. I’m weak and helpless and I cannot feel these feelings. So I won’t until I fucking have to. 

“I’m sorry, Daiya. I’m too much of a coward to even think about you,” a mumbled apology doesn’t do either of us any fucking good, but now I’m pushing the thoughts away. Just gonna pretend it’s a normal fucking day. 

I need to go find something to do, so I don’t have to think about anything. Maybe I’ll get something to eat. I start for the kitchen. I’m strong, there’s nothing to worry about, just gonna get some food, then maybe I’ll find Taka and work out or something. I’m strong. I’m strong. Everything is fine. And I’m strong. 

“Hey, Mondo?” I look around, already in the dining hall somehow. Chihiro’s standing there. 

“Yeah?” 

“I was wondering, um, if you could help me later?” Chihiro looks kind of embarrassed. I should be careful not to be scary and yell or some shit again. 

“Sure, what’s up?” I’m strong. I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I’m paying attention to Chihiro. 

“Could you meet me by the locker rooms tonight? I’ll explain then,” Chihiro looks so cute, all hopeful and shit. How could I say no that anyway?

“Of course!” I think I’m smiling. I’m trying to smile. 

“Thanks, I’ll see you then.” 

There, see. Everything’s gonna be fine. I can focus on helping Chihiro with whatever and I don’t have to think about anything else. It’s fine. I’m strong. And it’s fine.


End file.
